When I will be able to wake up?

Why am I still doing such things, gestures, treatment,  when I know  PAIN is going to kill me in the end?…. Is doing my best a matter of everything?..I didn’t know what to say or do but somehow I would rather go on of what is best to somebody  even people are laughing at me for  being hopeless martyrdom. Two years ago I almost made it to face our Creator but it wasn’t yet my time to join Him. I thought it is a wake up call to stop everything for what I have been feeling and doing to such.I don’t want to use the word LOVE in my writings this is because I do believe that no human being has ever define or give the perfect meaning of LOVE. Your ways and means everyday with countless caring will always be weapon to kill someones pride and guilt…. TO BE CONTINUED